Imposter Guy and the Quest for Delectable Chocolates

5/26/05

Act 1, Scene 1 - The Sewers & A Small Room

-large metallic slam-
-water dripping-
-gun cocking-

Real Guy: -panicking- Don't shoot, don't shoot, please don't shoot!
Imposter Guy: -laughs- Get moving.

-sound of boots, sound resonating as if in a tunnel-
-water continues dripping-

-walking stops-

IG: We're here.

-clonk as of heavy metal object on RG's head-
-thump of RG falling to the ground and getting dragged somewhere-
-creak of a door opening-
-random shuffling-

RG: -waking up- Where... where am I? -gasps- What are you doing? What are you going to do with me?
IG: -calmly- Clone you. I just need a small sample of DNA, and your brain.
RG: -relieved- Well, that's okay, then. -double take- My brain!? You can't take my brain!
IG: Oh yes I can. -footsteps as IG approaches RG- -sound of scissors opening and closing repeatedly-
RG: -small shrieks- I... I... not the brain!

-buzzing sounds as of a chainsaw.


Scene 2 - The Sewers

Army of Clones (many voices, monotonous): We await your command, master.
IG: -evil- Eexxellent... Eex- -stops- Wait. This is starting to sound suspiciously like Star Wars. An army of clones? I thought I was the one who was supposed to be the clone-- -abrupt stop- -meekly- Did I just stay that? Uh oh...

-Radio Play Police footseps (many)-

RPP: Halt! You are under arrest! We are the Radio Play Police and we have come to arrest you because you are either infringing copyright laws on Star Wars, or there is no Star Wars, and you are actually a schizophrenic, like Johnny Depp In Secret Window (Smashed Window), which I haven't seen by the way, though my friend did tell me about it.
IG: -matter-of-factly- That was a long sentence.
RPP: -surprised- Why yes, it was. Now now with us.
IG: -ignores RPP's comment- For that, I will have to kill you. -pulls out gun and shoots police-

-muffled cries and thumps as the RPP hit the floor-

IG: -pauses- -slightly astonished- Well this show sure is getting violent. On to the next scene.


Scene 3 - A Small Room in the Sewers

IG: -shuffling through papers- Hmmmn... -picks up a pamphlet and opens it- Switzerland... -reading of pamphlet- Home of the best chocolate in the world. -pauses- This seems like a good place to start... -quiet maniacal laughter, growing louder-


Scene 4 - Downtown NYC

-manhole cover being liften up and pushed to the side-
-many people filing out of manhole, onto the street-
-sounds of traffic, people talking-
-Army of Clones marching-

IG: So it begins... My army of clones rises from the manholes of New York, to begin its march to SWITZERLAND, to take over the realm of exquisite chocolates! -maniacal laughter-

-marching continues, fade out-


Act 2, Scene 1 - New York Country; The Atlantic Ocean

'Tickle your feet and imagination' 5/26/05

the card says. Some fortune. I tickle my feet. They're all sweaty and really hot because it's so hot out and I'm all really hot and sweaty. Ew. I'm so clueless, falling into some mysterious void. I can almost feel myself dropping, not so much falling, but dropping, right down, away, away from this reality, emptying out. How am I supposed to tickle my imagination if it's fallen into the void with the rest of me?

I look down the deep hole. It goes on forever, and is infinitely black. I can hardly see myself any more. I'm all trickling into the pit and I'm going to lose me, so I jump in after me and start to swim.

I search around myself for any bits of me that are left. A tiny purple speck of me is dawdling to my left - or I think it's my left, I'm not completely sure. I pull the bits of me together in an effort to grab the purple bit, but I miss. I've moved off, far to the right. Apparently I'm floating in the void. The speck is ten times further away now. I try again, but no success. The void is against me.

I get an idea. I pull off a shoe, the heaviest object I have on me. I position my back to the purple speck, and chuck the shoe as hard as I can out in front of me. The shoe goes forward; I go backwards. Perfect. I guess I learned something from science class after all.

I reach the speck. I pull it in to me. I feel a little tingle as I reconnect with this small portion of my soul. Only 1,778,241 bits left, I surmise. How wrong I was.

I see another speck right ahead. This one is bright red, and twice the size of the purple bit. I pull off my other shoe, shove away, one less dot of me in the void, one more piece of me reattached to its rightful owner. I look around me once more. A yellow speck floats to my right, taunting me, tantalizing. But what to throw now? There is nothing else on me heavy enough to throw, and I'd rather not float around naked for the rest of my life, or at least however long I would be stuck here. What can I do? I'm stranded.

Or so I think.

I decide after a while that floating around getting hungry and needing to pee isn't going to help the situation. I need a plan. I start off thinking rationally - there is no way I can get out because there is no exit. But I soon change tactic. Instead, I think of the most far-fetched escapes I can think of - what if a bright blue and green striped tiger bounded out of thin air with a fully-armoured samurai on his back? The tiger would be a sentry for an entire army of flamingos, who would fly through the void and find the bits of me, bring them back to me, and then eat the void, until our normal world returned to us. Everything would then magically go back to normal, the flamingos would stay with me as pets, I could ride the tiger (I'd name him Sam) to school every day, and the samurai (Jack) would become my lover and we would live happily ever after. I sighed deeply.

Suddenly, I heard a huge roar, echoing through the blackness. It was a tiger roar.

The Marsh

5/16/05

She was crying because he was gone. He had left that morning, at five past 7:00, for the marsh. The Marsh. Where he belonged, he said. No one belongs in a marsh, she cried. But he left anyway.

How are you going to survive? she murmured. I'll eat the alligators, he said.

What about the mosquitos? she inquired. I'll eat those too, don't worry 'bout me, he said.

How are you going to catch the alligators? she sighed. With a net, made of human hair, he said.

When are you coming back? she weeped. Maybe never, he asid.

Why are you leaving? she despaired. Because of you, he said.

I need to get away.

So Stu began the long trek to the marsh, barefoot, no supplies but his shirt and pants, no longing gaze at his house, his wife, no turning back. On to the marsh.